Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Me and Laurence Down by the Schoolyard


My name is Jay Pud. I created this blog so I can wax all philosophical (which basically means talk about movies, books, and a bunch of other dumb bullshit) to the people who live inside the computer next to Laurence Fishburne, spider solitaire, and naked ladies who stick things in their butts, and maybe then in their mouths. Hopefully I can make this entertaining enough for the internet. I know the standards are high. I won't not say shit because it may hurt people's feelings. I also won't say shit for the lone sake of hurting people's feelings. If people's feelings get hurt, then they can stick things in their butts, and maybe then in their mouths.

I didn't come into this post with a game plan, so I guess I'll start by talking about Laurence Fishburne who is in my computer right now fighting Super Robot Spiders fueled by human brains and shit. I always thought of Laurence as the white man's ghetto pass. Or maybe the black man's suburb pass. Maybe it's because my lasting impressions of him come from "Searching for Bobby Fischer" where he helps a little white kid become a chess super genius, and "Boyz n the Hood" where he is a rock solid ghetto role model for his childrens. Whatever the case, Fishburne is tops in my book. He is the missing link in the chain of American race relations.

I think there should be a gated entry to every town. LB could be like that saint who stands at the pearly gates and lets people into Care-a-lot. We need that shit. He could stand outside the gates and give out ghetto and suburb passes based on the condition that the applicant is willing to chill the fuck out and relax when people walk in front of his house. No matter how far into the future of utopia we are, whenever a black kid walks on my dad's lawn, my dad stands on the deck, arms folded, half empty corona in one hand, and watches his every movement to make sure the little fucker isn't trying to steal shit. And whenever I walk my white ass down Sedgewick Avenue (black people live there), and I pass a house with a lot of black people in the front yard, I feel the eyes boring into me as if I had just stolen a bike from a ten year old. That's why the world needs Laurence Fishburne. He's the great medium. No matter what our differences are as cultures, we could all sit around and listen to Laurence Fishburne tell us how we are all ignorant fools, and how righteousness can only be achieved through togetherness, and how we need to unite soon because the fucking robot spiders are coming and they want to use us to fuel their hateful computerized bloodlust.

Why do I always envision my encounters with Laurence Fishburne to be about race? It's never like, me and LB kicking it on some splintered up dock smoking a joint in the moonlight while fat dudes in small shirts reel in bluefish. It's always me and LB meeting up at the corner store by happenstance where we're both there to get jojo's. We stand outside on the dirt and bottle laden asphalt eating our deep fried potatoes. Cars cruise by and everbody points because everybody loves Laurence Fishburne. We spend a few minutes talking about how dope "Cadence" was. Maybe he'd tell me some cool ass Charlie Sheen story, and then we pull out our mental machine guns and fight hard to bring down the racists.

So next time you see a Laurence Fishburne movie, don't think of the inherent suckiness that naturally comes along with it. Think about the fucking robot spiders. Think about the childrens.

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